Page 49 from: January / February 2016

47January/February 2016

B E C K ’ S

Police stories,
please

As I have
documented

many times over
the years, bring a
group of women

together and
they will perhaps

discuss fashion,
husbands or
each other.

Put a group of
male friends in
a bar and they

will discuss
matters of great
importance – or
more likely, tell

jokes…

Recently, my wife Helga went to what she called a ‘fragrance experience’. Actually,
this was a euphemism for a girl’s night out where
somebody would try to sell them fake perfumes.
But most of all, it was an opportunity to drink,
eat nibbles and gossip.
In response, I arranged a boys’ night out in our
favourite hangout The Paranoid Parrot where we
were warmly greeted by Dagmar, our favourite
bartender. We started by shooting some pool,
then played poker and, inevitably, ended up at the
bar. We ordered whisky and beer, our favourite
combination, and chatted about everything and
nothing.
Gerard, my oldest friend, told us at one point that
he had been given a ticket for exceeding the speed
limit by five kilometres in an urban area. ‘Stupid
policeman,’ he muttered and took another sip of
his whisky. ‘Well, there are worse things in life,’
our gang member Fritz butted in. ‘I recently was
told the story of a man who was filling his fuel
tank at a petrol station. He filled it so full that
the petrol got on his shirt sleeve. Unaware of this
as he got back into his car, he lit a cigarette and
his sleeve caught fire. He waved his arm up and
down in an effort to put out the flames. It was
then he looked into his rear-view mirror and saw
a flashing blue light. The policeman got out of his
patrol car and arrested the driver for having an
illegal firearm.’
After the laughter had subsided, my friend Cesar
took centre stage. ‘A police officer pulls over an
old man for speeding while driving his wife to
a doctor’s appointment. The officer explains
why he stopped him but he looks at his wife and
asks: “What did he say?” She replies: “He said he
stopped you for speeding.” The officer asks the
man for his driver’s licence and again he turns to
his wife: “What did he say?” She replies: “He wants
to see your driver’s licence.” The man hands the
officer his licence and he sees he is from his old
home town. Trying to lighten the mood, the officer
tells the couple that the town always reminds him
of his worst-ever sexual experience. The man again
looks at his wife and asks: “What did he say?”
To which she replies: “He says he knows you.”’

Another burst of laughter was quickly followed
by more drinks.
‘How about this one,’ I said. ‘Two police officers
see an old woman staggering out of a local bar
clearly the worse for drink. But instead of taking
her to the police station, they decide just to drive
her home. They load her into their car and one
of the officers gets in the back with her. As they
drive through the streets, they keep asking the
lady where she lives but she just strokes the offic-
er’s arm and says repeatedly: ‘You’re passionate.’
They drive awhile longer and ask again, but she
strokes the arm and says: ‘You’re passionate.’
Eventually, the officers stop the car and tell the
woman: ‘Look, we have driven around this city
for two hours and you still haven’t told us where
you live!’ She replies as deliberately as the drink
will allow: ‘I keep telling you, you’re passin’ it.’
‘Here’s another one,’ I said. ‘An elderly couple are

settling down for bed when they hear some men
breaking into their greenhouse. Scared, they call
the police but the dispatcher tells them all officers
are out on calls. The old man waits a few minutes
and then calls again, telling the dispatcher: ‘Don’t
worry about sending an officer.
I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating
their bodies.’ Within minutes, police are swarm-
ing the place and capture the robbers red-handed.
One of the cops asks the old man: ‘I thought you
told the dispatcher you shot the robbers and your
dogs were eating them.’
The old man replies: ‘I thought the dispatcher
said no officers were available.’ We were still
laughing as Dagmar shouted: ‘Last orders!’

‘I shot the robbers
and now the dogs are
eating their bodies.’

Manfred Beck
Publisher